Stuff Michael Meeks is doing

This is a joyful occasion, but we would remember those who are covered in great big scabs at this time. We bring before you all crushed persons, and we pray that they may indeed rejoice in their mangled state. Grant peace to gangrene sufferers everywhere, and those who, even now, are about to touch live wires and be burned to a crisp.

We hold up before you all roofers whose walkways are not secure; we pray for their limbs, old and new: and we especially recall as we begin this delicious meal, those frozen folk who are grovelling around in the dark, living on slugs. May they acquire a taste for those slugs, and crunch them with joy, even as we shall crunch our prawn starter in a few moments time.

May we be aware, as we consume this food, that others are being consumed, by giant anacondas and hunger-crazed members of the big cat family who are either too old or too feble to hunt and catch more appropriate prey.

As these festivities uplift out spirits, let us be one with those who, having been uplifted by sundry aeroplanes, are now forced to vacate them before they land. We thank thee for those who are equipped with parachutes, and we reach out in spirit to those who are not. May they discover that beneath them are the everlasting arms - or a pond.

And so now we pray for this evening, and we ask that food poisoning and sudden illness will be endured quietly so that the joy of these two young people will be undiminished, both now and at such tiume as death shall separate them - leaving one an inconsolable widow or widower, and the other a lifeless corpse in the cold ground. Amen.